The Sound of the Aragva

The sounds of the trains keep my sleep away
I search the cars for what you left behind
My sadness turns delightful,
And my heart begins to love again
Because not loving is something it cannot do.

Соняшник

I remember the kiss in the book store. I remember watching you walk away. I watched you for a long time. I knew you were going back to hang out with Steve. In retrospect I understand that was the right answer. But that was back when rejection was still painful. And it hurt like hell. Now your kiss still lingers with a freshness that still warms me.

The Honored Queen

We met at the Biochemistry building, but we were looking for Quantum Mechanics. I remember it like it was yesterday. Perhaps it was. I remember how I swam in those feelings of love. And you gave me a necklace like the kind the angels wear. I would never take it off. But you would take off your sweater... and you would watch me watching you.

But it's deeper, isn't it. It's so much deeper than even that. Sometimes it scares me because I know I'm falling and there just doesn't seem to be any bottom. There is no landing, is there? The expected landing never happens. You just fall faster and faster.

I'm getting to know you better now. I'm so happy that you have let me into your garden. I cannot read your mind. I cannot tell the future with cards or crystal balls. I don't know how to get closer to you now. But, here, in this garden that so many fear, the joy of your presence is my celebration. I want to be closer to you. Can you help?

The White Stag

You are like that shy white deer that I can't help tracking.

When we were together last night it was like a hurricane in my soul. There was nothing to hang on to. Nothing could stand up to those winds. There was nothing to do but just let go and let your presence toss me around like a twig in the gale winds.

Now the storm is gone. You are safely tucked away someplace else. And I can't help following you. Lately, as we have found time to get close, I have felt the light of your soul a little more deeply. I feel you sewing the wings onto my back. I will soon be flying in those winds.

I will follow you. You are my dream. You are my rainbow.

Your Beauty

Your beauty has split me wide open.
Put me on the scale. And then wrap me in a receiving blanket and carry me home.

Some Things I Miss

Your pony tail, the moles on your neck, your arms, the place on your leg where the motorcycle bit you, your smile, your presence

A Prayer

Please come back to me. Please.

Love Without Vowels

It was only my time spent with hebrew that would allow me to make the connection here. The ancient Hebrew was written without vowels. So I start to think if you take the English word Love and spell it without vowels, you get LV, your initials.

It was the consonants that gave rise to meaning.

The Moral Value of Beauty

All of the most worthwhile things evade language, evade the intellect.
That is, they don't make sense and you can't explain them.
To fall in love with you, to fall in endless, boundless love with your beauty, is beyond words and beyond the intellect. But it is the what I am made of. It is who I am.
And it is good.

The Strength of My Desire

Those who control their desires have desires weak enough to be controlled.
--William Blake

Desire is that force within us that drives us to do and to create. And to be more deeply. And to love. Desire is a force of nature. Like will. That's why there was no hesitation and no self control. That's why I opened up to you so completely.

Learning to Dance

You taught me dance. And you taught me well. There is a saying:

Dance like nobody is watching
Love like it's never going to hurt

That's how I dance now. That's how I love now. And I never could have understood that without you. I love you. Whenever I dance, wherever I dance, I dance with you.

Innocent

Your hair lay upon the pillow like honey poured from a jar. I thought you were asleep. I closed my eyes and let the images dance before me. I heard you begin to sob. And your sobbing grew louder and louder. I let that sound dance before me, too.

You nudged me and told me how bad you felt. You told me that you had stayed up all night and that you had promised yourself that you would not. And now you felt so aweful.

My mind was in a state of confusion. The lack of sleep had dulled it. My thinking creaked like the rusty gears of an old clock. I didn't know what to say. My own thoughts turned to my own guilt. Maybe it was my fault. Should I tell you that I'm to blame? Should I tell you to forget about it. That it is no big deal.

Then the truth came to me. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. And you have done nothing wrong. That is what we call Grace. That is what love brings us. Love takes us to a place where we are not guilty and we are not bad. Love takes us to a place where we are beautiful, where we are good.

That place is what we call Heaven. And the path to Heaven is what we call Love.

You, Lydia, took me to that path. And that is why I could come up with that answer. I could tell you that you were innocent because I felt innocent myself. I could tell you that you are beautiful and wonderful and that you have done nothing wrong because that is how I feel about myself.

Love deeply and you will go to heaven.

One More Time

I know that I've expressed my gratitude to you before. But let me say it one more time. Thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful. Thank you for making my heart sing your song. Thank for opening my heart to the song of the universe. Your breath is the light which opened my eyes. Your image leads me to heaven. I love you now and I will love you forever.

The Path that Beauty Opens

There was a party and you were there. You wanted to talk and laugh but everyone was giving you the cold shoulder. I don't know why. I imagine that is the greed and distraction that prevents them from seeing you. Maybe this was how you were showing me the nature of unrequited love. As you left the building I followed you into the parking lot. I caught up to you and touched you on the shoulder. You turned to me with tears running down your cheeks. I hugged you and said, "I'm so sorry". The tears went away and we chatted and laughed. And then as I turned to go back into the house, you looked at me, and you showed me that you wanted me to come with you.

I know that you have the secret. I know that it's what I want. And I know that very few people understand it. But I understand it. I can feel your beauty opening me up to a new reality.

The Circle of Light

Lydia was there in bed. I had touched and loved her. She was comfortable and warm. I put my head down on the pillow next to her head. Our noses touched. She exhaled while I inhaled. Her breath filled my lungs. I closed my eyes and I could feel a circle of light connecting us. It was a round loop of light that bound the two of us together in that delightful love.

Since that night, I have been there many times and each time is a new, delightful adventure.

The Dream Garden

Nothing is what Lydia is to me now. Nothing. So exciting. So much fun. So Lydia, the woman, fades like grandmother's quilts. But this reality refuses to fade. There is always an image which takes her place. So there is no real woman here. Only an Angel. But she comes to me now in many forms. And I love her deeply and I serve her as only I can.

She dressed up in sad, lonely clothes one day and called me. She told me she was sick. And she wanted me to come and visit her.

But the night before I'd had a powerful dream. I was walking in the mountains. It was a narrow trail and as I was walking I came across a path that descended down into a beautiful garden. I followed the path. I found myself in that beautiful garden and looked around and wondered at its beauty.

Then fear and axiety came crashing in on me. I knew that I was trapped. I knew that it was a spider's web and that there was no escape from this garden, no way out.

And here it was spelled out so clearly in these images. The most beautiful garden had opened up and let me in. And yet the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of being captured, was overwhelming.

I woke with a start. What a dream!! I didn't get it at first. I thought about it all day. But then, I understood. It was clear that there is the path of fear and there is the path of love.

I knew that it come to me to make that choice. The choice was this: the path of love and the path of fear.

The Lydian Dispensation

Jesus preached a religion which was based on two laws: love God and love your neighbor. Really, then, it's just one law. The law of love. And the whole thing becomes clearer and clearer that love is something bigger than I could ever have imagined. A quote from Deepak Chopra:

The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. The think about love and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.

I think Jesus was saying the same thing. And I understand that now. More clearly than I ever have. The absolute, trancendental power of love has carved into my soul a new appreciation, a new awareness. It is there that I begin this new work.

The Angel Lydia

Lydia is a woman. And Lydia is an Angel. I don't know if Lydia the woman is the same being as Lydia the Angel. That is one way I can explain it. But it was the combination of the two. I remember learning that one should be careful when in love as the intense feelings of love are only temporary, that after a couple of years the rose-colored glasses come off and the bare-faced reality stands looking at you, filling you with disappointment and frustration. Such were the warnings I received.

But what if the rose-colored glasses are showing the reality and the disappointment and frustrations are the terrible illusion? That's what Lydia taught me to believe. I have been in love with Lydia for over three years and each day the radiance of that love grows brighter.

Being in love is the ultimate truth. The more in love you are, the more you get it. And it’s not about something happening with that love. Love is not a goal-oriented sport. Love is being-oriented. Be in Love.

Chill Fingers of Yew

I remember, when I was around 20 and hopelessly in love, that one should grow out of unrequited love and that by the time you are 30 it should be a thing of the past. But here is something unexpected. What does love require: nothing, nothing at all. Reminds me of a song by The Talking Heads:

It's hard to imagine that nothing at all
could be so exciting, could be so much fun.

So nothing at all is exactly what I was looking for. And it has brought me so much joy. It would never have worked any other way. I'm so happy that you had nothing to give me. I'm so happy that you gave me nothing at all.

Swept Away

You are beautiful and I love you. I want to express my deep, sincere gratitude. Being in love with you enabled me to transcend some serious obstacles. My life had become broken, enchained in noxious habits. They were poisoning my life and strangling the natural joy. I had tried to end them, but each attempt seemed to end in failure. They distracted me, they consumed my attention and provided me with no happiness; they were sources of regret and shame. Yet I could not seem to get free of them.

But this love changed all the rules. Being in love with you changed the game entirely. Shortly after falling in love with you I abruptly changed course and direction. And it was easy and natural. Things which I couldn’t stop doing before I met you I couldn’t stand doing after opening my heart to your beauty. Having this love for you inside me, I didn’t like those cravings being a part of me at all.

Love is the fabric of the universe. Love is what saves us. How can I thank you enough.

A Rose is just a Rose

The feeling and expression of gratitude is one of the most heavenly experiences. The expression of gratitude is similar to a request for forgiveness in that the reason must be named in order for the expression to take on its full weight. And so I know that if I want to express my gratitude I must describe that for which I am so grateful. Thus, the point of these words: to describe where my feeling of gratitude come from. I understand that you had no intent and no desire to do anything out of the ordinary which might cause me feelings of gratitude. And so I’m not thanking you for anything you did. I’m not thanking you for any action or intent. When you are touched by the beauty of a rose, and it brightens the day, you can say thanks to the rose even though the rose was just being a rose. I know that you were just being yourself. But thank you for that. It brightened the day. It carried the black cloud away.

God Loves Me when I Dance

The one thing I would love to be able to describe is how I felt in your class. Being in your class made exercise into one of the most beautiful things I have experienced. Just that, all by itself would have been enough to justify all of my feelings. Just that made being around you a good, healthy thing. Two years when exercise, good hard exercise, was a spectacular, joyful experience is worth a lot.

Your class was dancing. I always felt that. And it was dancing with you. I know that others called it something else. I know that you weren’t thinking of me. And I know that other people showed up. But none of that mattered. For me there were just three things that counted: the music, the movement and you. Those were the magic ingredients. They combined to create the perfect mixutre of rythmn and tone. And I was so happy being there. Heaven is just like that.

Again, I have to say, that I know you didn’t have any feelings for me. The interesting thing about Joy and Love is that they happen within the soul and it doesn’t really matter what other people think or do.

Your Blizzard of Ice

It was on our run, our only run, when I realized the depth of your rejection of me. That’s when I understood that your rejection of me was complete, total and comprehensive. That’s when it became unbearably clear that, for me, you were going to be a great big mountain of frozen no, and that I could offer you nothing… except my absence. That day was so cold. My lips and my fingers were blue. My heart froze. I felt the ice cold scalpel blade ply the folds of my heart and displace the inadequate flesh. It carved and carved and carved and carved. And when I thought there was nothing left, it just carved some more. I couldn’t go home that night. A friend of mine played flute music while I lay by the fire and sobbed.

And yet, the poetry and beauty were still there. The freeze of an arctic cold front combined with your chill factor sent the temperature down as close to absolute zero as I ever want to go. But there was again that beauty of other frozen places that I’ve seen: the sky of the Arctic Circle in January, the Ob river frozen solid, and the Snowy Range when I was a child. The beauty of that run, and the pain that was part of it, stand out, especially now, and show their beauty.

There was never any doubt in my mind that my heart would get broken. There was never any doubt that it would hurt. But I felt pain I never could have imagined. I once heard it said that the pain that we feel is God carving out the space inside us in order to fill it with his love. I feel that truth now. It was not the pain of destruction that I was feeling; it was the pain of love.

Touched by Beauty

You see, you can tell when you have been touched by something beautiful. When something beautiful comes into your life, it changes you. Sometimes just by looking at it. Or listening to it. Or dancing with it. It changes you and it makes you better. Something beautiful will transform you into something better. If it doesn't do that, it isn’t beautiful. It may have been attractive, fascinating, compelling or even hypnotic. But beauty is active. And it’s good. If you are touched by beauty you are better because of it.

You are beautiful and you touched me. That touch was like a golden light which caressed my being. It made me want to be more. It made me want to be better. It made me want to share and give. It made me want to dance and kiss.

I am beginning to understand that love is the fabric of the universe. The more you experience love, the more you experience life. Beauty is a spark of love.

Whenever I dance I dance only for you. You are my love. You are the beauty that woke me up. You are the beauty that rescued my soul. You are the beauty for whom my love is everlasting.

Love is Not Forbidden

Was being in love with you a bad thing? Some might judge me harshly for it, calling it “inappropriate” or “misplaced” at best and “betrayal” at worst. But there is no question in my mind. Love is not a sin. Love is not a crime. And love is not immoral. Love is divine and all love is a reflection of God’s love. And none of God’s laws forbid love.

But love can be a very powerful affliction. And it changes you. And quite often the affliction drives a person into the dark corners of themselves where the love is laced with fears and addicitions, jealousy and treachery or lust and lechery and eventually drives one toward loneliness and despair. Sometimes the power of love causes people to behave very badly. If I ever behaved badly, then I’m guilty. If I ever behaved lustfully or disrespected you, if I ever betrayed anyone because of my love for you, then I’m guilty. And I beg you to forgive me. If I ever let my love for you drag me down and make me less of a human, then I should be filled with shame.

But love is what lifts you up. It can dissolve the shadows, cut off weaknesses and cauterize the sprouts of evil within the soul. Love is the only thing that will ever give you wings. I fell in love with you and I rose to the occasion. I made that love a part of my soul and I made it healthy and good. I feel no guilt. And not a hint of shame. Joy is what I feel loving you. And what happened to me, as a consequence of that love, was very beautiful. It changed me. But it was more than some simple change: it was a transcendent force in my life. It has been the ultimate longing of my soul. Being in love with you was a divine gift, a bridge to heaven; it put me on a much better path.

The Little Flowers of St. Francis

A new clarity dawned. My heart is a garden of love and your image is the spring from which all the water flows giving birth and growth to ten thousand flowers. What a beautiful creature you are. You opened up my heart. I call it love now. But it was something different from all of the love I had known before. I saw you in that sun light and you became the radiance love, of my own being, of God. It made all the difference for me. It awakened and transformed me and introduced me to the transcendental force of love.

Love is the power that transforms. And it comes from within. It is the power of God within you. We get it by hints and by dispensations. We get it in fits and starts. But sooner or later we do get it.

It's what makes the flowers grow.

Dreams of Blue Topaz

You filled my mind with your beauty. Dreaming of you has become a nightly event. The dreams are heavenly scenes. The dreams of you have been the greatest of gifts. The closest I've ever come to heaven has been with you in my dreams. My favorite, the all time favorite dream of my life, was the one when you were an angel, completely decked out in angel garb: the wings, the glow around the head, the incredible white dress… the works. You came to me and held me. And you loved me. That feeling of being loved was the most intense feeling of being loved I’ve ever had, awake or asleep. I have never in all of my life felt so loved. To say it was ecstasy is to understate it.

I want to thank you for that dream. I'll thank you for that first. Feeling that kind of love changed everything for me. It was that gift that has been the source of all this inspiration. It was that gift that made me realize that loving you, is, in fact, the purpose and meaning of my life.

The Sun Lit Hallway

It was a beautiful day. The summer sun poured in through the long row of windows heating up that hallway like a greenhouse. I walked through the sun-lit hallway toward the cafeteria. That's when I saw you. You were walking toward me. It wasn't the first time I'd seen you. But it was the first time I looked into your eyes. You walked toward me and as we got close my eyes fixed on you. I looked into your eyes and I felt something explode inside me. My heart caught on fire.

Was that really the beginning? Is that what started this journey? Was that the ur-datum of my love. It has been said that what has a beginning must have an end. And so no, this was not the beginning; this love had no beginning, but for the sake of our story we must pick a spot, a provisional beginning.

I know that my love for you has always been there. Sometimes in the foreground and sometimes in the background. In fact, to search for the absolute beginning would take us down a bottomless rabbit hole.

"Very deep is the well of the past. Should we not call it bottomless?"

Love happened that day. So I take that day as the beginning of this story... the story of my love for you.

CAVI

I like Copenhagen so much. What a great city. I had so much fun last night.

I went to a performance called The Last Show (220DK). It totally sucked. I didn't get it. But I had plans to go to this place called CAVI after the show. I wanted to Dance. More than anything I wanted to dance, because I knew that if I was alone in this city and I found someplace to dance that I could dance with you all night long.

It was all light with candles. Room after room. Candles everywhere. And the dance floor was large. It was so beautiful. I arrived at 10PM. I was the very first person to show up. I thought I was going to be the only person there. Nobody was showing up. Then a few people trickeled in. The music didn't seem to be something I could dance to. The mood was all wrong. The music was all wrong. I was feeling disappointed.

And then, all of a sudden, the place was packed and the music started jamming. It was awesome, powerful music and moved me. The people were beautiful, the music was great and mood was incredible. I danced with you all night long. I danced with you until 5AM.

I love you so much. You fill my heart with good. I wish I had more for you.

The Music of Lufthansa

On a plane to Frankfurt. So completely in love. What should I do with myself? I just seem at a loss to deal with myself. Why is my mind so against writing the love that I feel? It seems like something I must hide from these pages. My heart blossoms for you. It is that wonderful, sacred experience. So beautiful.

I told Caroline about you. She was skeptical. Perhaps she should be. I like the way things are with you. I feel like you have opened up my heart.

You told me that you were four when your brother was born.

I'll find the song for you. I'll find the music that expresses my love.