Your Blizzard of Ice

It was on our run, our only run, when I realized the depth of your rejection of me. That’s when I understood that your rejection of me was complete, total and comprehensive. That’s when it became unbearably clear that, for me, you were going to be a great big mountain of frozen no, and that I could offer you nothing… except my absence. That day was so cold. My lips and my fingers were blue. My heart froze. I felt the ice cold scalpel blade ply the folds of my heart and displace the inadequate flesh. It carved and carved and carved and carved. And when I thought there was nothing left, it just carved some more. I couldn’t go home that night. A friend of mine played flute music while I lay by the fire and sobbed.

And yet, the poetry and beauty were still there. The freeze of an arctic cold front combined with your chill factor sent the temperature down as close to absolute zero as I ever want to go. But there was again that beauty of other frozen places that I’ve seen: the sky of the Arctic Circle in January, the Ob river frozen solid, and the Snowy Range when I was a child. The beauty of that run, and the pain that was part of it, stand out, especially now, and show their beauty.

There was never any doubt in my mind that my heart would get broken. There was never any doubt that it would hurt. But I felt pain I never could have imagined. I once heard it said that the pain that we feel is God carving out the space inside us in order to fill it with his love. I feel that truth now. It was not the pain of destruction that I was feeling; it was the pain of love.

Touched by Beauty

You see, you can tell when you have been touched by something beautiful. When something beautiful comes into your life, it changes you. Sometimes just by looking at it. Or listening to it. Or dancing with it. It changes you and it makes you better. Something beautiful will transform you into something better. If it doesn't do that, it isn’t beautiful. It may have been attractive, fascinating, compelling or even hypnotic. But beauty is active. And it’s good. If you are touched by beauty you are better because of it.

You are beautiful and you touched me. That touch was like a golden light which caressed my being. It made me want to be more. It made me want to be better. It made me want to share and give. It made me want to dance and kiss.

I am beginning to understand that love is the fabric of the universe. The more you experience love, the more you experience life. Beauty is a spark of love.

Whenever I dance I dance only for you. You are my love. You are the beauty that woke me up. You are the beauty that rescued my soul. You are the beauty for whom my love is everlasting.

Love is Not Forbidden

Was being in love with you a bad thing? Some might judge me harshly for it, calling it “inappropriate” or “misplaced” at best and “betrayal” at worst. But there is no question in my mind. Love is not a sin. Love is not a crime. And love is not immoral. Love is divine and all love is a reflection of God’s love. And none of God’s laws forbid love.

But love can be a very powerful affliction. And it changes you. And quite often the affliction drives a person into the dark corners of themselves where the love is laced with fears and addicitions, jealousy and treachery or lust and lechery and eventually drives one toward loneliness and despair. Sometimes the power of love causes people to behave very badly. If I ever behaved badly, then I’m guilty. If I ever behaved lustfully or disrespected you, if I ever betrayed anyone because of my love for you, then I’m guilty. And I beg you to forgive me. If I ever let my love for you drag me down and make me less of a human, then I should be filled with shame.

But love is what lifts you up. It can dissolve the shadows, cut off weaknesses and cauterize the sprouts of evil within the soul. Love is the only thing that will ever give you wings. I fell in love with you and I rose to the occasion. I made that love a part of my soul and I made it healthy and good. I feel no guilt. And not a hint of shame. Joy is what I feel loving you. And what happened to me, as a consequence of that love, was very beautiful. It changed me. But it was more than some simple change: it was a transcendent force in my life. It has been the ultimate longing of my soul. Being in love with you was a divine gift, a bridge to heaven; it put me on a much better path.